A few weeks ago I led two Burnout Prevention workshops for a group of female physicians and researchers.
Having worked in the medical field and a teaching hospital myself (I also graduated from the Medical College of Georgia where I briefly dated a med student who wanted to practice his physical exam skills on me – lol!), I am super sensitive to the unhealthy indoctrination of what becoming a physician takes. Brutal hours, unsupportive conditions, super-human expectations, and consistent self-sacrifice.
You know me, in lieu of giving trite information about proper sleep, exercise, and ‘eating right’ (you know by now none of these things resolve the root cause of chronic stress), I led two experiential activities around learning to stay within your safe zone of stress and implementing everyday mindfulness.
Once of the concepts I introduced was self-compassion – learning to be gentle with yourself – instead of plowing through and over-extending to your own detriment.
But I received a question I’ve never received before in any of the live talks I’ve given.
“Can you give me an example of being gentle with myself?”
Wow.
Why yes, yes I can.
After I left, I wondered why I had never received this question from a group before. I also thought how helpful it would be to clarify with real life examples what being gentle with yourself really looks like.
So here goes.
Here are 8 real-life examples from my life and my clients’ lives about what self-compassion – being gentle with yourself – really looks like.
You’ll see it requires humility, boldness, and acceptance of your need to be human to be gentle with yourself.
That may sound terrifying to the ego at first, but your heart (not to mention your body + the people you love) will relax and be very grateful.
8 Ways To Be Gentle With Yourself
- Honor your physical needs. Emily experienced a panic attack last night. Instead of going into work the next day, she honors her body’s needs to settle down and stabilize so she stays home. She waits (yes, truly waits) until she is resourced later in the day to check her work email.
- Stop self-sacrifice where it isn’t necessary. Abi hasn’t sat down to enjoy breakfast in 12+ years, despite the fact her children are teenagers and can take care of themselves. She now goes to bed at a decent time (most nights) and gets up 30 minutes early to enjoy breakfast by herself, looking out the window. (Note she doesn’t do this as a rigid self-care goal. She does it because she loves it, and it nourishes her soul.)
- Don’t take on more responsibility when you already have plenty. Cassie passed on a promotion at work. She has finally reached a point where she is super competent in her current role and doesn’t want any more responsibility. She’s finally enjoying parts of her life and doesn’t want to add any more stress to it.
- Don’t stay in a situation just because you think you should. Maggie goes to a group exercise class she normally enjoys. The music is loud and the workout is jarring. Today the class is disrupting her body’s need for calm so she walks out of the class and goes and does another exercise by herself.
- Accept doing your gentle best is more than enough. Amy went to the doctor and the scale revealed she had gained 10 pounds. She warmly accepted that she preferred not to have the extra weight but also didn’t feel like it was a big deal or required her attention given everything she had been through the past year. She was already doing her gentle best given some pretty hard circumstances to navigate.
- Stop overextending yourself. Eileen’s neighbor asks for a group playdate with her kids, and Eileen would need to be there the whole time. She already has a sustainable schedule planned out for this week and knows one more thing would overextend her and feel rushed. Instead of committing to yes right then and there, she goes home, looks at her calendar and proposed a future date to her neighbor when there is space to enjoy it.
- Allow yourself to experience the egoic deflation that not everything will work out as you want it to. My grandmother-in-law died (the last of both of our grandparents) in February, and I traveled with my husband to GA for several days. The impromptu change of plans disrupted the downtime I needed to recover from a previous speaking engagement. In lieu of coming back home and diving into work to make up for ‘lost time,’ I delay launch plans for my self-study program, cut back on my blog + social media presence, and take an extra few days off to let my body recover and be available for my husband.
- Don’t hold your pee! Angela feels the urge to pee at work. She she gets up and goes. Being gentle with yourself is as easy as starting here. 🙂
None of these examples are luxurious or selfish.
Each woman knows there is an unnecessary and dysfunctional cost to pay if she does not honor her needs and truth in that moment.
Not honoring those needs keeps her in an unwanted stress cycle. No vacation or kale salad will resolve these problems. She has to practice being gentle with herself.
There are two conditions necessary to be free from chronic stress:
- A sustainable external environment. Think reasonable work hours, a sustainable social calendar, and good enough relationships.
- A compassionate internal environment. Think not being so hard on yourself and honoring your needs with kindness.
Being gentle with yourself is required to meet both of these conditions.
What is one way – no matter how small it may seem – you can be gentle with yourself?
Post what you’ll experiment with below. I want to hear from you!
Look Within,
PS – And if you want to learn HOW to not overextend yourself, I can teach you. Watch this 2 minute video that explains the 3 real reasons women overschedule, and sign up for your free video series – How To Stop Overscheduling: Less Rushed + More Effective – below.
