“The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care! Right?!!!” #WRONG – Dexter Holland in song ‘Self-Esteem’ by Offspring
Maggie was over halfway through the Freedom from Chronic Stress Program. As we talked over Skype for Session 6: Letting Go What No Longer Serves, she shared that sometimes, it felt like a major drain to always be there for her friends.
Maggie is the go-to friend. She’s not the one you call for a night out on the town.
She’s the one you call when you break-up with your boyfriend, have a terrible interaction with a strained family member, or can’t get out of a personal funk.
Maggie said there was little reciprocity from her friends, and after a long week at work, she didn’t always want to give more of herself, but also didn’t want to let anyone down. After all, they needed her and she did care about her friends.
As Maggie shared her experiences, she sighed several times and her face went from a smile to one that was tense and tired.
Maggie said, “I don’t know. I’m just doing my best.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,” I said. “When you do your best, how do you feel afterward?”
Without missing a beat, Maggie chimed, “Overextended. Exhausted. And miserable.”
Yikes.
The problem wasn’t Maggie’s friends suckling at her teat, it was the definition of doing her best.
We’re told to always do our best. If you don’t do your best, you will likely fail, let others down, and let yourself down. What. A. Loser.
But the quest for doing our best is too often driven by striving, perfection, and plowing through.
Is that how you want to live? Do you really want to practice over-efforting to the point of exhaustion as a way of doing your best?
When you do your best, how do you feel afterward?
Do you feel tired, depleted, or like it will never be good enough? (hint: this is NOT your best)
Or do you feel restored, satisfied, and at peace? (hint: this IS your best)
If you are consistently depleted after doing your best, it’s time to redefine what your best means.
As we go through the summer focusing on Step 3:: Nourishment: The Art of Self-Care Without Feeling Guilty, it’s time to redefine your best.
Be gentle with yourself.
“The revolutionary act of treating ourselves tenderly can begin to undo the aversive messages of a lifetime.” – Tara Brach
Give Gentleness a Try,
Angela
