I recently participated in a professional women’s career development workshop. The all female group gathered from multiple disciplines to learn about salary negotiation and bridge the women’s confidence gap to apply for leadership positions.
The person who spoke about the gender confidence gap was a man. His background? Inclusion and diversity. A little humorous given where this story is going…Keep that tidbit stored in your mind for later.
He shared stories about how he would love to offer more executive opportunities to women, but had to give most leadership positions to men during his career because no women applied. Fair enough.
But where things started to get strange for me was when he gave a man’s perspective on giving feedback to a subordinate female. He said that most male bosses or mentors are terrified to give feedback to a woman about her professional appearance. I started to feel my stomach churn with doubt and disgust as I bet the same men that feel the need to give feedback about a woman’s appearance have no such compulsion to do so for a male mentee.
I was already writing him off.
And then he said that women looking to move up the corporate ladder need to proactively elicit feedback from their male superiors about their professional appearance.
What??!!
In that moment, my inward scathing judgment was cast outward as I inadvertently let out a rather loud cackle.
He looked directly at me and said, ‘Why is that funny?‘
I smiled, let out a sigh, and scanned the room for potential allies.
He said again, ‘No, seriously. Tell me – why is that funny?‘ as he looked directly at me and walked toward my chair.
As he stood in front of me, I paused trying to collect my thoughts of how I could appropriately phrase my response.
I said, ‘If I ask a man to comment on my appearance, I create an open invitation to be sexualized.’
He said briskly, ‘No, no you don’t. That’s not true,’ and swiftly turned his back to me and walked to the front of the room, assuming his position as the authority.
As he re-engaged the audience with his agenda, I felt a wave of heat and humiliation wash over me.
I had just been shushed and damnit, I caught it too late.
As he walked away from me what I wish I would have done was stand up from my seat and say with firmness,
‘Sir, sir. You just walked away from me and dismissed my response without any open inquiry as to why I thought the way I did. By dismissing my comment while physically turning away from me, you postured yourself as the sole authority in the room, sending the message that you are not to be challenged and anyone who does will be shut down in front of their peers.
It is this hyper-authoritarian patriarchal approach that has shushed and shamed women for speaking out for millennia. If your objective is to reduce the women’s confidence gap, start by acknowledging that my experience as a woman is valid – even if it is different from yours – instead of squashing it as invalid for the sake of your own ego.’
But alas, that came too late. The shushing effect had worked like a charm on me as I sat feeling helpless watching my fellow women peers gaze all eyes and attention toward the established masculine authority.
I decided the next best action I could take would be to approach him during lunch and speak privately about my experience and concerns. I did that, and it turned out moderately OK, but I’ll save that story for another time.
Because my point for today is that I am very concerned you may not know when you’ve been shushed.
You see, after the workshop, I spoke to three women participants about the interaction that took place between me and the male speaker. Not one of them caught that I had been shushed and shamed in front of the group.
Friends, this is how effective manipulation works. You don’t even know it is happening.
In the most dangerous cases, the manipulation works so well that the oppressor gains allies from his misconduct because he socially ostracizes the dissenter.
So heck yeah you lose confidence – duh. You speak up less. You feel embarrassed to share your ideas, feelings, and thoughts. You take less risks. You second guess your experience as wrong and look to someone else as the authority over your own life. ‘Is this OK? Am I OK?‘ is the pervasive insecurity that dominates your psyche and interactions.
I share this today because I care deeply about your voice, and I am sick of women operating from their shushed mark of shame. I don’t care if your voice is different than mine, I care that you learn to recognize your voice and don’t feel bad or guilty honoring it, especially when your voice is against the current of dysfunctional social norms.
Without the skill of honoring your voice, how are you ever going to be free from the external influences that beckon you to side with fear? From the forces that keep you reeling on what you “should” be doing instead of what you genuinely feel and know is right for you?
The next time you feel nervous to speak up, second guess your experiences, dismiss your own needs, feel bad for setting a boundary, think you’re not good enough, or shy away from opening your heart, don’t ask yourself, ‘What’s wrong with me?’
Ask yourself instead, ‘Where have I been shushed?‘
Angela Savitri, OTR/L is a Chronic Stress Coach who helps professional women focus on who and what matters most, without being ruled by the pressures of work and other people. Sign up below to receive her free video training series, ‘How To Stop Overscheduling: Less Rushed + More Effective.’
