I should do this. I should do that.
Pause for a moment and reflect on the frequency of how often you say ‘I should’ to yourself or out loud.
I should eat better. I should spend more time with my kids. I should lower my stress. I should stop beating myself up. I should exercise. I should call my mother.
Saying ‘I should’ is a barrier that prevents you from making meaningful change. The ego loves and relies on you thinking ‘I should.’
These are words that keep you stuck in negative behavior patterns. You want to change, you think you ‘should’ change, but are not able to do so.
As you reflect on changes you want to implement this year, take the ‘should’ out of your vocabulary.
Why is saying ‘I should’ a barrier to meaningful change?
- ‘I SHOULD’ Keeps You In The Past. Whenever you say, ‘I should,’ it is non-committal. ‘I should’ is a passive statement with no action in it. It allows you to stay exactly where you are because ‘I should’ says nothing about your current or next action.
- ‘I SHOULD’ Is An Outside Voice. Saying ‘I should’ places meaning on an outside voice that may or may not be true for you. Sustained change occurs when it is from your inner voice and connected to a meaningful reason of WHY you desire a change. An ‘I should’ lends your personal authority over to someone, or something, else.
- ‘I SHOULD’ Fuels Guilt. ‘I should’ is plagued with deprecation and guilt. Bemoaning what could or may have been. Once again, keeping you in the past AND fueling feelings of guilt. Dysfunctional behavior thrives on guilt. An ‘I should’ triggers guilty feelings in a heartbeat.
So what are ways to replace an ‘I should’ with something that will produce authentic action?
The first key is awareness. In order to change, you must be aware and bear witness to the voices of ‘I should’ in your head and those you speak out loud.
Being mindful, the practice of paying attention to the present moment with compassion, allows you to cultivate non-judgmental awareness of your habitual thought and behavior patterns.
When you observe yourself say ‘I should’, you have entered a new state of awareness. Congratulations!
The next step is to respond to this awareness with gentleness and discernment.
There may be an impulse to want to judge the ‘I should’ statement by saying, ‘I should not be saying I should.’ This is not the way to change.
When you identify you said an ‘I should,’ thank yourself for the awareness. Appreciate you have noticed by taking three seconds to pause and take one full breath.
Then assess and take wise action with what is right for you at that moment in time.
Below are several options to replace ‘I should:’
- I Choose. Instead of bemoaning what you could or should be doing, own your action or non-action. Consciously own your choice, even if it feels uncomfortable. This practice will help you honor your voice without apology.
- Yes. Saying yes has many forms. Saying yes can be an immediate action like ‘Yes, I am signing up for that workshop today.’ Saying yes can also take the form of saying, ‘I will’ with an associated time frame.
- Let Me Consider This Option. If you are unsure if you will commit to something, there is always time to consider the option. Instead of saying ‘I should,’ consider offering a truth statement of ‘I don’t know and need to think about it. Let me get back to you.’
- No. Sometimes you know you cannot do one more thing. It may be unrealistic to add or adjust any part of your life, no matter how small, at a particular time. In this case, say no. Examples include, ‘No, I am not participating in that event’ or ‘No, I won’t be attending the party.’
- Silence. If you are aware of the ‘I should’ in your head and it has not made it out your mouth yet, say nothing. The most powerful act of transformation is often an act of restraint. By practicing restraint, you create space for something new to emerge.
The next time you think or say, ‘I should,’ what is your next step?
Enjoy this practice and the freedom from releasing yourself from the sabotage of saying ‘I should.’
This article was featured in the January 2014 edition of Forsyth Woman.
