Here’s the traditional change cycle I outlined at a recent workshop. So much is missing in this approach!
I’ve been working in the field of behavior change for over 10 years.
There is a traditional change model used in behavioral science.
It ends up playing out like this:
– Something in life creates discomfort
– The discomfort of tolerating it becomes ‘bad enough’ to address it
– You decide something needs to be done
– You decide to change
– You determine what it is you want to change
– You set a goal
– You takes steps to meet that goal
– You make some decent progress
– You relapse
– You try goal again
– Repeat cycle
What is missing here?
A LOT is missing.
But for today, let’s focus on what is missing from the traditional goal setting portion of this cycle.
3 REASONS GOALS DO NOT WORK
REASON 1:
Goals Do Not Reduce the DRAG that Pulls You Back
One step forward and two steps back.
Why is that?
It is because a DRAG pulls you back to an undesired behavior or situation.
Goals, effort, baby steps, action, and resolutions may help you take one step forward. These are external forces to propel you forward.
But it is your internal forces that pull you back despite your best effort and intention: fear, judgment, self-critical voices, a striving approach, unhealthy boundaries, doubt, lack of love toward emotions you don’t want to experience, belief systems, feelings of defeat, and frustration, etc.
The internal forces pull you back.
Goal setting is an external process.
Goal setting is not “bad” per se, but unless you shed light on the internal forces that DRAG you back to the same undesired ways, you get stuck in a create goal – meet goal – revert back process.
In order for change to occur, light and love must be shed on these internal factors that keep pulling you back.
From there, you must create an internal and external environment that allows the most resistant and scared part of you to feel safe.
Until the resistance and fear has a safe place to be in relationship with you, you may end up stuck and defeated.
REASON 2:
Goals Lack Self-Compassion
‘Just do it.’
‘I need to push myself.’
‘I’m going to pull myself together.’
Most goals and the way people approach themselves when creating or meeting a goal have a hard quality.
What do I mean by hard?
By hard I mean linear, rigid, forceful, all-or-nothing, only one way.
Kind of like you are going to bang a nail into a piece of wood no matter what.
Hard qualities do not allow change. Soft qualities allow change.
Pliability, flexibility, softness, fluidity…these are the conditions needed to change.
And these conditions must exist inside of you.
Take a soft approach toward yourself as you create and take action to meet a goal. This is self-compassion.
Approach yourself with vulnerability, be willing to embrace hurt you experience instead of push it away, and soften the grip that your identity and worth hinges on you meeting or not meeting a goal.
REASON 3
Goals Are In Your Mind, Not Your Body and Spirit
Goal setting is usually something done with the mind. I am all for intellect and thinking; however, there are limitations to the mind.
Body awareness and connecting to your heart are significant factors in BEING the change you desire.
You can even meet a goal but not change in the process.
Has this ever happened to you?
You lose 20 pounds but it comes back on? (You met a goal but didn’t change)
You improve your time management for 3 months and then revert back? (You met a goal but didn’t change)
You are less snippy and reactive to your loved ones but it doesn’t last? (You met a goal but didn’t change)
In order to change, you must learn to BE the change you desire.
This is done by accessing the gifts of the mind, body, and spirit.
- With your mind, connect to the big WHY of your desire. WHY do you want this? WHY is it important? What values are important to honor as you move forward?
- With your body, connect with the sensations your desired change produces. If this evokes a ‘big huh, what are you talking about?,’ here is a strategy. Does your change bring sensations of heat or cold? Spacious or compression? Dense or airy? If you draw a complete blank, you are disconnected from the body. Time to develop body awareness! Practice this free body awareness meditation to develop connection with body sensation and your mind-body connection. With access to the body, you gain greater capacity to change.
- Connect with the heart your core desired feelings. How does this change FEEL? And how do you want to FEEL as you go about making the change? Author Danielle LaPorte says, ‘the journey has to feel the way you want the destination to feel.’ This is a fresh approach to embodying the change you desire instead of striving for it.
What resonates with you from the 3 reasons goals don’t work?
How have you met a goal but not changed in the process?
How do you approach change in your body?
And how can you soften that approach to allow more flexibility and pliability so change (i.e. meaning growth!) can happen.
approach change with a discerned blend of pliability and structure – be a booger! 🙂
I teach my clients to be a slimy booger like this to effectively BE the change they desire.
See how pliable it is but it still has structure?
No bulldozer. No nail into the wood.
How do you approach change? What has or hasn’t worked for you?
Leave a comment below – I want to hear from you!
