Don’t repress negative feelings or wallow in them either. By lovingly embracing negative experiences, you create softness. And softness is needed for negative feelings to lessen their impact.
I often witness people trying to put a silver lining on their negative experiences.
And I certainly don’t like it when someone does this to me.
For example, have you ever had this experience?
You share something bothersome or vulnerable and you are greeted with a comment that feels unsupportive or dismissive?
Statement: ‘Both me and my husband were laid off this year. I am really scared about how to pay the bills.’
Response: ‘At least you have a marketable skill set.’
UGH!
Statement: ‘I’ve had two miscarriages in the past eleven months. I don’t know if I can continue to do this.’
Response: ‘Well at least you can get pregnant.’
UGH!
Statement: ‘My headaches seem to be getting worse. I haven’t had a pain-free day in over two weeks.’
Response: ‘Don’t worry. You’ll get better. Have you tried x? It really helped my sister.’
UGH!
What’s happening here? Have you received a dismissive response when you share your pain?
Have you been the one who offers a silver lining response OR minimized someone’s negative feelings?
Our culture likes to feel good. Our culture perpetuates the myth that if we are good people, good things will happen.
And they may. AND guess what?
You are certain to encounter illness, pain, death, setbacks, heartbreak, betrayal, and loss in life.
It is part of being human…it’s the full catastrophe.
Mindfulness teaches us to embrace and accept what is…the beautiful, the heart-breaking, the ugly, the inspiring, the hurtful, the disappointment, the love, and the pain.
Don’t push anything away.
People respond with a silver lining, dismissive, or minimizing comment to your pain because they are uncomfortable with their own negative emotions.
If I cannot accept and BE with my worst thoughts, feelings, and experiences, I am unable to embrace or contain yours.
If I welcome my pain, I can offer it compassion and love, even if it feels terrible to experience the hurt. (side note – it won’t last forever)
If I push pain away, I create a deeper relationship with it. What one resists, persists.
Don’t repress negative feelings or wallow in them either.
By lovingly embracing negative experiences and allowing yourself to FEEL it, you create softness. And softness is needed for negative feelings to lessen their impact.
Because so few people honestly share what is really going on in their life, we feel lonely or isolated in our pain.
Just check out Facebook…people post their beautiful, smiley-faced vacation pictures but don’t share that they feel miserable after eating full bag of Soft Batch Cookies to sooth pain from a painful conversation with a family member.
By sharing and having your negative feelings received, you feel supported. That you don’t have to carry it all by yourself. That you are not the only one who experiences suffering.
Next time someone shares their real or perceived negative experiences or thoughts, consider truly reflecting their emotion back, including saying, ‘That just sucked.’ 🙂
On December 31, 2013, I held a ‘That Just Sucked Party’ at my office. It was a fantastic and connecting time!
We each wrote down items that just sucked from 2013. As each person read their experience, we all chimed in and agreed with that person, ‘that just sucked.’
We matched tone with tone. It was interesting to witness that all of us had things that sucked related to our health, finances, and relationships.
Then we placed what just sucked in the burning bowl.
That Just Sucked Party Burning Bowl
I will definitely host this party next year!
In the meantime, will you practice offering yourself and others permission to safely express their vulnerability and pain?
A loving response may be:
I hear you.
It’s a difficult time.
I don’t know what to say. I support you.
or…
That just sucked. 🙂
Warmly,
Angela
